Easter is delicious. In no other holiday is the idea of consumption for the sake of self-preservation so pervasive than in the celebration of Jesus coming back to life. To give this day the justice it deserves, let me explain further.

Rabbits that lay eggs are evil and must be destroyed. Since it is impossible to catch an egg-laying rabbit once it has been born, we must cut off this evolutionary tragedy at its chocolate-encrusted source. Friends, consume these eggs as if your life depended on it. Because in reality, they do.

Ducklings filled with marshmallow are evil and must be destroyed. They are the Rabbit’s pawns–the foot soldiers in a never-ending battle of markdowns and 2-for-1 specials. They sacrifice themselves to their rabbit-laying gods, enticing consumers to purchase them and leave the eggs to mature. Do not be fooled–50% off of something revolting is still not a good deal.

Jesus in cracker form is the only thing that will save you. Yes, save you from chocolate-covered, egg-laying rabbits and their marshmallow-filled suicidal ducklings. Happy easter, and happy hunting.

Cheese, wine, French grandparents. What do these things have in common? If you answered, “they’re French,” then you missed the point. The point is that they are all best when aged.

Such is often the case with comedy. That feeling you get when no one laughs at your joke can really sting, but deep down inside, you keep telling yourself that you’re just ahead of your time. Well, your vindication has arrived, in the form of a video.

Welcome to the chicken and rice archives. Down the rabbit hole and into the vault we go…

Directions from 1989:
Measure out 2 quarts of water. Pour into saucepan. Heat at high until boiling. Measure 1/4 cup butter, 1/4 milk. Add macaroni to water. Stir constantly. After 7 minutes, 30 seconds, strain using colander. Place back in saucepan. Add butter, milk, cheese packet. Stir until mixed. Eat half.

Directions from 2009:
Fill saucepan with water. Place on stove and set to high. Leave. Come back 30 minutes later. Add more water. Leave. Come back 5 minutes later. Add macaroni. Stir. Leave. Come back when hungry. Strain macaroni using saucepan lid. Add butter and cheese packet. Stir. Look for milk. Add water. Stir until mixed. Eat all. Preheat oven for corn dogs.