At times, conscience demands that we defend an unpopular position, so as to stand for what we hold to be right. It is true that 97% of us believe that pie is delicious. This counterpoint is in no way intended to diminish credit where credit is due. Pie is a wonderful food, and it is, without a doubt, delicious.

But to be president requires more than deliciousness. It requires fortitude, strength, a solid understanding of the issues facing Americans, and a broad yet particular knowledge of what America’s role should be in the world. A good president must be willing to get his hands dirty. Pie has no hands, and even if it did, it could not get them dirty without rendering itself useless. No one wants to eat a dirty pie. No, friends, pie remains on its pedestal, removed, distant, and out of touch.

In fact, at a time when a majority of Americans report feeling uneasy, scared, even angry about the direction our economy is headed, where has pie been? One would think that pie would show some empathy, try to portray itself as understanding of the needs of everyday people. But no, pie was not searching for solutions. Why? Because while people everywhere are suffering, pie has been going to picnics. Not just one; pie makes an appearance at about 20,000 picnics per day. Picnics. Is that how we will solve this economic crisis? I don’t think so.

Pie portrays itself as the best candidate to bring both parties together. Pie preaches a new kind of politics of unification. But pie’s record shows otherwise. A recent smear campaign against pi has proved that pie buys into the old ways of division and partisanship. Said pie spokesperson rice, “Rounding pie incorrectly never caused a satellite to burn up in the atmosphere.” As a followup: did rounding pie correctly ever cause a satellite to be successfully placed into orbit? This bad habit of lashing out shows us what a pie presidency would actually be like.

Pie’s foreign policy experience is nil, its sole case being that it exists in different variations in almost all countries in the world. This brings me to my final, and strongest argument against pie. Sadly all of these points are merely semantics, as I have to point out that pie is in fact not able to hold the office of president according to the U.S. Constitution. Pie, while fulfilling the minimum age requirement of 35 (pie is roughly 900 years old), is not a natural-born citizen. In fact, pie as we know it originated in England. Pie’s repeated attempts, even in light of this information, to campaign for president show a blatant disregard for the Constitution, an unacceptable position for someone who must swear to “uphold and defend” it.

With its history of picnics and self-aggrandizement, is pie really what America needs? Friends, Americans cannot afford pie in these critical times, and that’s why we’re all so ticked off.

Yes friends, your eyes don’t deceive. The personification of your calls and pleas, your wants and needs.  The answer to the age old question, ‘What pie from yonder window bakes?’ It is a chicken, and it is a vegetarian. It is a halal and it is a kosher.  Most importantly, friends, it is delicious. Pie is running for president, not just of the United States of America, but of all pie-loving peoples of the world.  Other candidates want to divide up the pie. Pie’s ready to give you the whole thing.

But how does pie stack up? Recent poles show pie’s delicious rating at 97% compared with 32% for Obama, and 15% for McCain. In addition, public opinion favors pie in many big issues–which candidate is most likely to feed the poor and the starving? Which candidate can bring any two parties together?  Which candidate has the best understanding of the economy?

Still not convinced (and its doubtful you are not), let me put it this way.  Thus far, the presidential candidates have spent $500mil on campaigning, and they proclaim their fund raising efforts with the same pride as would the Sheriff of Nottingham after a daily stroll through the village. Friends, would you prefer 2 years of bombastic tv ads and shock and awe speeches, or $500 million of pie? I thought so too. Write in pie!

10) When asked how thinly you want your cheese sliced, request a gradient.

9) Ask for turkey, then while the deli worker is fetching it, gobble incessantly. As soon as the slicing begins, let out a blood curling scream.

8) If your cold cuts weigh more than you requested, remove the excess from the scale and eat it immediately, before the deli worker can press the button to print the receipt.

7) If your cold cuts weigh less than you requested, clear your throat as loudly as you can. If this doesn’t work, move to direct confrontation and ask, “Do I really look that fat to you?”

6) Talk to a salami behind the glass counter as if you were talking to a baby.

5) Ask for seven pounds, thinly sliced, of the most expensive meat you can find. After the worker has sliced, weighed, and handed you the meat, look at the price, gasp in shock, and say that you no longer want it.

4) When you receive your cold cuts, unwrap them and hurl them as hard as you can against the back wall of the deli. Then attempt to place the same order again.

3) When you receive your cold cuts, unwrap them and drape the slices all over your face. Loudly exclaim, “I am lunch meat monster!” Find a small child and chase him out of the store.

2) Narrate the actions of the deli worker, referring to him or her as Ernesto. Be as precise as you can.

1) Explain that your name is Beef and that you write for a critically acclaimed food blog. Feign the expectation that, in light of this information, you won’t have to pay.