Become a waiter at a restaurant.  Each time someone orders a particular dish which is labeled as “spicy” on the menu, ask that individual to fill out an evaluation form after he or she finishes the meal.  However, on a random basis, when that person first orders, ask if he or she can handle spicy food.

Under the “how did you hear about us?” section, the unnamed bscool listed several options typical to a question of this type, in which the intelligent user would select the ones to indicate that he was both legacy and a minority.  However, this bschool also listed an additional option towards the bottom just to throw off the more green of applicants.

twitter this!

Clever, Unnamed bschool! Very clever! To see how many twits would fall for this simple yet elegant trap is genius indeed. I commend you on your bold stance towards the more incompetent of online communities and the idea that someone could be convinced to apply to bschool in 144 characters or less, as well as your efficient methods for disbursing with applicants who select that option, who i can only assume are blacklisted from the school forever! That’ll teach them, damn millennials.

My dearly beloved little red camera met the fate of every digital camera I get my hands on — its chromed lens cover will never blink again, as far as I can tell. Instead, meet the new love of my life, the awful cameraphone pic. (What can I say, sometimes I’m fickle.)

Squished and mushed and pressured and jarred.

As you can tell, my camera-holding hand is clearly shaking here at the sheer force of awesome laid out on that counter. Ladies and gentlemen, behold six different types of homemade jam — a feat of superhuman endurance, at least for people with attention spans like mine. (To be fair, it was a joint effort between myself and two of my fabulous roommates.)

Top to bottom and left to right: strawberry/white pear, papaya, blackberry, strawberry, pear, mango.

Making jam is like telling a good story. The exposition, where you get to know each of the characters one by one, inside and out — dissecting each fruit and seeing what it’s made of. The slow build, patient stirring, as all the pieces simmer and mix, interacting in new ways in a careful setup. The exciting and borderline dangerous climax, as suddenly everything comes to a boil and all the action must happen immediately at once. (Sear-your-skin hot fruit and boiling jars.) And finally the denouement, the satisfying final pop as everything is neatly sealed.

As perhaps the faithful reader will have noticed in the first photo, we’ve already broken into several of the jars and been pleased with our handiwork. (We were also forced to make biscuits as a jam vehicle, which were consumed long before cameras came out.) Like most homemade food, we have found that this is clearly miles better than anything storebought, but it’s hard to say how much of that is freshness and quality and individual attention and of course our outrageous cooking skills, and how much of it comes from one of the most delicious spices of all, pride.

[That said, the pace at which we produce this vastly outstrips the pace we can consume it, even given that properly sealed jars will keep for up to a year -- so local folks wishing to assess how much of this is the subjective effects of pride and prejudice, we might be able to come to some sort of arrangement...]

Fried Green Tomatoes. One of the many cases in which food itself far exceeds the movie based on that food, fried green tomatoes capture the essence of all things right and good in America. Instilling upon its citizens is the undying resolve to take nature and improve it in a manner which achieves the most gains for the least effort. In the case of a fried green tomato, we have done so in the simplest way imaginable. It is a tomato. Thus it is nutritious. However, it is fried. Thus it is also delicious.

Simple yet elegant, the fried green tomato is truly the food which moms approve and kids love.  It brings the family to the dinner table, and keeps them there for seconds and thirds.  When the meal is over, everyone is left with a satisfied tingle that comes only from a meal worth taking the time to enjoy. If that isn’t delicious, I’m not sure what delicious is.

Today, we have the opportunity, nay the responsibility, to reverse this eggregious trend.  The chicken is a beatiful animal. Not a coward, the chicken will charge, almost unknowingly, into any battle. Its random movements disguise its true intentions to catch its opponents offguard, and even when beheaded, the chicken tarries on.  

I am chicken. I am every chicken. As long as the tar is of a lukewarm temperature, you can tar and feather me any day, and I will wear my feathers with pride.  Oh brave chicken, thank you for having the courage to be delicious. Keep on clucking, noble bird, keep on clucking.

I am pleased to report that since that time, chicken and rice has received many letters asking similarly thought provoking questions. We at chicken and rice would love for you to share in our success, so here are just a few of them:

FREEMUSICzz%12_1 wrote:
DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD??? Now for no monkey new ipod cans be you’res! Music, movies, games, graphics, pictures, wheel, USB connectorw. Want free stuff?! IPODS FOR FREE! Electronics, APPLE<< zune, ipod FREE. ppp free IPOD.

Dear FREEMUSICzz%12_1,
Your offer is enticing. However, I don’t believe you will actually give me a free iPod. Your spelling and grammar lead me to believe that you are either almost illiterate, a computer, or a slave laborer in Laos with a fairly impressive command of the English language given your circumstances. As the only question in your rant is “DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD???” the best answer I can give you is: yes, although, again, I doubt you can deliver. Have a wonderful day, and please, feel free to write into chicken and rice again!

viagra_altrntv wrote:
EXTEND YOURSELF! Wnat better sex>?? risk free product give make you larger!!! MAKE her s2queal with DELIGHT! ~~ all natarul! no harmful cemicals. all try now!!! hurry before offer sEXPIRES! now!

Dear viagra_altrntv,
How did you know? This is amazing, it’s like you read my mind. I’ve always wanted a “natarul” solution with no “cemicals.” And she hasn’t “s2quealed” in forever. You must be a psychic. As sarcasm is difficult to decipher through text, I’ll make this blatantly clear: go delete yourself.

MarissaW wrote:
want the gnome went where processor how to never has dvd time. benzodiazapan gave all in the head super going at the store. how do for seven of times she for the good have an ugly time deck nose? now we hat speak numbing of even. twelve is hoping hyacinth to end phone of evil-doer. not fan screen has oscar into bed of sofa coffee tables accessories kitchen sauce. travel chrysanthemum tulip on wherever ten nevertheless cable shelves in hair product free jvc water bottle highlight essence mug oak screaming surrender dorothy adapter shadows offended. win.

Dear MarissaW,
Thank you for your insightful letter. I think the best answer I can give you is 52. If you require further clarification, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Rabbits that lay eggs are evil and must be destroyed. Since it is impossible to catch an egg-laying rabbit once it has been born, we must cut off this evolutionary tragedy at its chocolate-encrusted source. Friends, consume these eggs as if your life depended on it. Because in reality, they do.

Ducklings filled with marshmallow are evil and must be destroyed. They are the Rabbit’s pawns–the foot soldiers in a never-ending battle of markdowns and 2-for-1 specials. They sacrifice themselves to their rabbit-laying gods, enticing consumers to purchase them and leave the eggs to mature. Do not be fooled–50% off of something revolting is still not a good deal.

Jesus in cracker form is the only thing that will save you. Yes, save you from chocolate-covered, egg-laying rabbits and their marshmallow-filled suicidal ducklings. Happy easter, and happy hunting.

Such is often the case with comedy. That feeling you get when no one laughs at your joke can really sting, but deep down inside, you keep telling yourself that you’re just ahead of your time. Well, your vindication has arrived, in the form of a video.

Welcome to the chicken and rice archives. Down the rabbit hole and into the vault we go…

Directions from 2009:
Fill saucepan with water. Place on stove and set to high. Leave. Come back 30 minutes later. Add more water. Leave. Come back 5 minutes later. Add macaroni. Stir. Leave. Come back when hungry. Strain macaroni using saucepan lid. Add butter and cheese packet. Stir. Look for milk. Add water. Stir until mixed. Eat all. Preheat oven for corn dogs.

Step 2: Ask that person one (or potentially two) legitimate questions to get the ball rolling.

Step 3: See how many emails it takes for him or her to figure it out.

For example (note, this was not done with an auto-responder, but i really dont think it made a difference):

Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 3:53 PM rice: Make it to Germany?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:14 PM L: YES FOO
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:15 PM rice: ping pong tomorrow?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:22 PM L: I’m in Germany, [censored].
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:47 PM rice: wait…what?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:48 PM L: did you read your first question?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:59 PM rice: wha…?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 7:59 PM L: ok dude. Are you in Bonn, Germany? Answer yes or no.
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 8:30 PM rice: ummm….wha…?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 8:33 PM L:
You asked: Make it to Germany?
I said: YES [FOO]
then you proceeded to ask if i could play ping-pong tomorrow.
How, pray, are we going to play? via video conference or are you coming over?

Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 10:28 PM rice: waah?
Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 10:29 PM L: keep thinking we’re playing tomorrow.
Wed, Mar 25, 2009 at 8:24 AM rice: whhhhhaaaaa?

I deem this a success.