If you’ve cooked, you’ve had it happen. The foolproof recipe from the trusted source. Sweet promises: “oh, if it’s hard to make, it’s only that you’ve been doing it wrong! Try it my way…” It’s mouthwateringly within your reach: that perfect dish or confection, just like you had that on one magical occasion that you’ll never reach again (that tiny picturesque coffeehouse/bakery in europe, that prohibitively expensive restaurant in the city, that sunny afternoon in your grandmother’s kitchen…)

You amass the ingredients and paraphernalia one piece at a time, with a spark of excitement every time you take another step towards your culinary mecca. You read each step of the process over and over, memorizing the time-critical passages, researching and drawing every shade of meaning from obscure foreign verbs or familiar words with new and specific meanings. Finally, with a free afternoon and a shiver of nervous anticipation, you ritually assemble your mise en place and you begin.

And maybe, in the cases that are simultaneously the best and the worst, you get close to something beautiful. Just for a brief, precious moment — the delicate balance of flavors, sweet against salty, yin and yang — the tantalizing nascent aroma — the shining omen of perfect color and texture — eureka, eureka! — —

– And then, flush with exhilaration, caught up in the moment, then, you’ve waited just barely too long, and suddenly you find yourself left watching it all go up in smoke. (Often quite literally.)

Oh, chocolate-topped almond toffee. We could have been great together — my only regret is not taking you off the stove fifteen seconds earlier.

No. In fact, the politically corrupt are very undelicious. Ask Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. He’s not having a very fun time right now. Neither are the people he’s blackmailed, asked for under the table money, or those whose careers he’s ruined. In fact, no one is having a good time. Except you. You get to reap the harvest of the evil seeds he sowed in the form of satire and comedy.

But if you ever find yourself in office and Patrick Fitzgerald is knocking on your door telling you you’re under arrest, come back to chicken and rice and watch this short video, so that you can see exactly what you’ve become.

Merry Christmas.

“If I had shares, I’d short myself.”