It is quite possibly the least appropriate name Monster could have chosen for an energy drink. Intended to evoke thoughts of hangover-shedding (or perhaps more shrewdly, The Hangover), the energy drink’s back story is set in Las Vegas. Specifically, the writer says he received the inspiration for the beverage while “chillin’ at the Vegas Rehab pool party, contemplating a cure for cotton mouth, admiring the flesh parade, and pondering the wisdom of doubling down when the dealer shows a face card.”

What, you may ask given this setup, is actually in a Monster Rehab? It is a mixture of iced tea, lemonade, and chemicals (or if you believe the can, tea, lemonade, and energy). Aside from a full day’s worth of B vitamins, the drink appears to offer very little. That is, until you find, at the bottom of the supplement facts, the “Rehab Energy Blend,” which consists of glucose, black tea extract, caffeine, L-carnitine, glucuronolactone, guarana, inositol, acai extract, goji berry extract, and mangosteen extract. We are not told how much of any one ingredient is in the drink, only that there are 6415mg of the entire blend present in each can– which gives cause to wonder about the delicate balance with which these ingredients are mixed, as 6 grams of several of these ingredients taken individually would be enough to kill someone.

But the broader point is that we are still infatuated with the cycle of binging and recovering. Monster Rehab reinforces the idea that we can be as irresponsible as we like, so long as we have a lemonade/tea beverage the next morning to cleanse us and get us ready for another night of debauchery. If we use this model and substitute decades for days, fuzzy AAA bond ratings for Vegas partying, and short term economic recovery plans (be they stimulus spending or tax cuts) for the Monster Rehab, we arrive at an exact replica of our current economic standing.

Binge. Recover. Binge. Recover. Binge. Recover. As if this oscillation were sustainable. As if we are riding a stable sine wave. Mark my words, this wave is anything but stable, and when our luck runs out, it will crush us completely. And so, drawing inspiration from a similar yet classier beverage, I propose a new name for the grossly inappropriately labeled Monster Rehab: the Arnold Facepalmer.

This is less a sign and more a graphic representation. But it is, nevertheless, a gruesome reminder of the times, a reality check on the status of our economy. You may remember a U.S. map that was circulated online in the early part of the decade comparing states’ economic production to the GDP figures of other countries. As a refresher, here it is.

This map was, in a strange way, a source of national pride. In the early 2000s, our little states rivaled some of the world’s strongest economies. California’s economic output roughly equaled the GDP of France, Texas was about equal to Canada, and even tiny Delaware was comparable to Romania, a county with roughly 26 times Delaware’s population. Yes, this map served as a tribute to our economic badassness.

In the last few years, however, our economy has taken an enormous hit. I was curious how our individual states compared to the rest of the world. Did other nations take just as big a blow as we did? Would the economic comparison be similar today? Intrigued, I decided to research the numbers and remake the picture. Following is a map showing the approximate equivalent of each state in 2009.

The new map has a distinctly more “third-world” feel. Instead of Romania, Delaware is now equivalent to Sudan. Massachusetts has moved from Belgium (producer of chocolates and peace accords) to Iran (producer of uranium and global fear). Nebraska was once equal to the proud Czech Republic, a country who overcame the harsh brutalities of Soviet oppression and whose capital city has become one of Europe’s most popular tourist destinations. But now Nebraska is comparable to Angola, Namibia’s neighbor to the north.

Some states, like West Virginia, moved away from the third world, such as Algeria, and toward prosperous countries like Luxembourg. This may seem like an improvement at first glance. However, Algeria has 19 times as many people as West Virginia, while Luxembourg has only about 28% of the state’s population. In addition, California, once on par with France, now generates annually only about 64% of France’s GDP.

As soon as the 2010 numbers are available, I will update this map. But for now, we are left to digest a dismal outlook from the statistics of the first full year of global economic decline.

To take a break from the rice and beef’s excellent European adventure, I’d like to recall a sign I saw at a gas station pump while driving through Iowa this past winter. With its simple, scripty (and paradoxical) text, the sign embodies everything that has gone wrong with our financial system in the past few years.

Pre-heating an oven after will give you cold lasagna. Pre-recording a television show after will give you a half-hour of blank air time. Pre-boarding an airplane after will give you small children and people in wheelchairs gripping desperately onto the wings as the plane takes off. Pre-paying the cashier (or the bank for that matter) after will give you a consumer credit crisis. Voila! That’s what we have.

It is to signs like this one– that tell us it’s OK to spend after we consume– that we owe our current standing. The trickle down theory is hard at work. Sometimes economic prosperity trickles down. But sometimes irresponsibility trickles down as well. When banks tell you’ll be fine if you buy a house you can’t afford, when they tell you to “pre-pay after” by giving you a teaser interest rate, they do irreparable damage to society.

It could be said that this sign is incomplete, that it should read something like, “Please Pre-Pay Cashier After 9pm.” Yet it doesn’t. If it was meant to give a specific time, no one filled it in, creating an image of total apathy, an apathy which is compounded by the sign’s new meaning. Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

Because we can. Because we should. Because we must. That’s why.

It’s time to take our cues from our own sense of decency and feasibility. It’s time to ignore those who try to tempt us into our own doom by seducing us with the option of disregarding our responsibilities. It’s time to take back our economy from the morons who think it’s OK to screw over thousands of people if it means getting a 7-figure bonus at the end of the year.

We are so over that.