Good day. My name is pi. I understand you all liking pie, but must you constantly denigrate me to display your appreciation for food? As you may know, today is my day, pi day, 3/14, and at 1:59 p.m. EST, I’d like you to post this letter.

You often call me an irrational number. However, an irrational number is a real number that cannot be expressed as a fraction. I am expressed as circumference divided by diameter, or c/d. This means that I am expressed only as a fraction. My very essence is a fraction. Therefore I am a supremely rational number. Alas, your haphazard, jury-rigged system of mathematics does not realize this because you insist on the unnatural use of integers. √2 is irrational. I, however, am divine.

On this day, I ask that you join me in appreciating pi for what it is. Stop baking pies, stop ordering pizzas with pepperonis arranged in my likeness, stop making pie campaign videos, and stop posting about pies learning of evolution. I am evolution. This day is not about pie. It is about me, the supremely rational number. Pie may be delicious, but I am necessary to the advancement of your species and its understanding of the universe.

Thank you for your time. I will check back to ensure that you have posted this letter, so that my message may be read by your audience and instantly reach the masses.

Lolz. Pi, this pi’s for you.

Mrs. Applepie: Alright class, settle down.

The students look at each other. None have spoken in the last minute. Mrs. Applepie is obviously agitated.

Mrs. Applepie: Right, off we go then.

Now the class knows something is wrong. She almost never speaks with a British accent unless she’s mocking a culture’s pretentious and unseemly ways. She steps to the left, revealing to the class what she has written on the board. EVOLUTION.

Mrs. Applepie: Evolution.

As the members of the class mouth to themselves, “Evolution.” Well, most of them. As usual, Pumpkin decides to chime in.

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, my parents say that evolution is a lie.

Mrs. Applepie: That’s very good Pumpkin, but today-

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, my parents say that Steve the Baker made me, and anyone who doesn’t think so is going to Hell.

To pies, Hell is being eaten by a fat guy, cursed to wander his digestive system forever, fully impacted, never to find the holy Sewer.

Mrs. Applepie: That might be true, Pumpkin, but have you ever wondered why all pies are different?

Pumpkin: Is it because Steve the Baker wants them to be?

Peach: I’m a princess!

Mrs. Applepie: That’s nice, Peach. But for a second, lets use our crazy imaginations. Lets assume that every pie is made by a different baker. And depending on the baker, you might be made out of different ingredients, or have a flakier crust, or not be completely cooked all the way.

Halfbaked: Like me!

Mrs. Applepie: Yes, like you. And that’s how ever pie comes out differently. But you have to remember kids, not every pie is as delicious as the other pies. Some pies will be taken by good families, while others will sit on the shelf for months, and then be placed on the discount rack.

The students gasp. The discount rack is the fastest way to hell.

Mrs. Applepie: But there’s good news. Bakers whose pies don’t sell will go out of business and die, which means good pies and their bakers can live on, and the next generation of pies might be even more delicious than before. So you see, we use bakers in order to make more of ourselves, and if there’s a bad baker, capitalism takes care of him.

The class pauses, deep in thought over the information they have just received. It is Pumpkin who breaks the silence.

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, you don’t really believe that, do you?

Mrs. Applepie: Of course not! Now lets all bow our heads and say a prayer to Steve the Baker.

Rhubarb: In a public school?

Mrs. Applepie: Satan!

End scene.

Whether or not pie is qualified or ready to lead America is not the question we should be asking ourselves at this time.  We should be asking ourselves if Pie’s vision of America is truly one we can believe in.

“Stop the wars, the violence, the bloodshed, the hate, the pollution, the destruction, the selfishness, the greed–all of these things created by humans, hurting other humans every single day.”

How naive is this?  Does Pie really think that we can just “stop” all of those mentioned above?  If this were even feasible, do you think that our enemies overseas would stand idle while we are out back smoking pot and taking LSD?  No.  Of course Pie would be there, Pie is one of the people.  Pie’s populist pandering may have fooled one of my fellow writers, but it has not fooled me!

Since when has the lay person known what is best for them or, most importantly, how to run a country?  I assert that most people do not understand how a country should be run.  Take, for example, a single mother on welfare with 3 children from 3 different fathers.  Has this woman made choices that indicate that she is capable of making rational or intelligent choices?  Should she be consulted if Russia decides to invade Georgia again?  Does she even set a good example for her children?

This is why we elect leaders to run the country.  Our goal should be to pick an intelligent, decisive, and strong leader.  How relevant is kissing babies or attending a picnic to running the greatest country on Earth?  When you go to the polls this Tuesday do not be draw in by Pie’s naive “vision” for America.

Why do I believe in pie? Because pie believes in me. Some criticize pie for attending the picnics of everyday men and women. I call it being in touch with what truly makes this country great. From the kitchen of its humble immigrant upbringing, to bakeries and homes the world over, pie has seen what we are at our best, and at our worst. And he has one simple message. One simple solution. Stop. Stop the wars, the violence, the bloodshed, the hate, the pollution, the destruction, the selfishness, the greed–all of these things created by humans, hurting other humans every single day. Have some pie instead, and see how much better life can be.

What then? Friends, the beauty is that then, we are left with all the things that make humanity great. Under a united ingenuity and creativity the world over, our bounds are infinite. And on that glorious day, pie can go back to being just pie. Pie can sit on its windowsill and gaze off into the distance of this great land. But it is not this day, and until a time comes when all is right again, pie bears the weight of the world willingly upon its weathered shoulders. I’d have that pie and eat it too any day. Write in pie!

Citizens Against Pie

At times, conscience demands that we defend an unpopular position, so as to stand for what we hold to be right. It is true that 97% of us believe that pie is delicious. This counterpoint is in no way intended to diminish credit where credit is due. Pie is a wonderful food, and it is, without a doubt, delicious.

But to be president requires more than deliciousness. It requires fortitude, strength, a solid understanding of the issues facing Americans, and a broad yet particular knowledge of what America’s role should be in the world. A good president must be willing to get his hands dirty. Pie has no hands, and even if it did, it could not get them dirty without rendering itself useless. No one wants to eat a dirty pie. No, friends, pie remains on its pedestal, removed, distant, and out of touch.

In fact, at a time when a majority of Americans report feeling uneasy, scared, even angry about the direction our economy is headed, where has pie been? One would think that pie would show some empathy, try to portray itself as understanding of the needs of everyday people. But no, pie was not searching for solutions. Why? Because while people everywhere are suffering, pie has been going to picnics. Not just one; pie makes an appearance at about 20,000 picnics per day. Picnics. Is that how we will solve this economic crisis? I don’t think so.

Pie portrays itself as the best candidate to bring both parties together. Pie preaches a new kind of politics of unification. But pie’s record shows otherwise. A recent smear campaign against pi has proved that pie buys into the old ways of division and partisanship. Said pie spokesperson rice, “Rounding pie incorrectly never caused a satellite to burn up in the atmosphere.” As a followup: did rounding pie correctly ever cause a satellite to be successfully placed into orbit? This bad habit of lashing out shows us what a pie presidency would actually be like.

Pie’s foreign policy experience is nil, its sole case being that it exists in different variations in almost all countries in the world. This brings me to my final, and strongest argument against pie. Sadly all of these points are merely semantics, as I have to point out that pie is in fact not able to hold the office of president according to the U.S. Constitution. Pie, while fulfilling the minimum age requirement of 35 (pie is roughly 900 years old), is not a natural-born citizen. In fact, pie as we know it originated in England. Pie’s repeated attempts, even in light of this information, to campaign for president show a blatant disregard for the Constitution, an unacceptable position for someone who must swear to “uphold and defend” it.

With its history of picnics and self-aggrandizement, is pie really what America needs? Friends, Americans cannot afford pie in these critical times, and that’s why we’re all so ticked off.

But how does pie stack up? Recent poles show pie’s delicious rating at 97% compared with 32% for Obama, and 15% for McCain. In addition, public opinion favors pie in many big issues–which candidate is most likely to feed the poor and the starving? Which candidate can bring any two parties together?  Which candidate has the best understanding of the economy?

Still not convinced (and its doubtful you are not), let me put it this way.  Thus far, the presidential candidates have spent $500mil on campaigning, and they proclaim their fund raising efforts with the same pride as would the Sheriff of Nottingham after a daily stroll through the village. Friends, would you prefer 2 years of bombastic tv ads and shock and awe speeches, or $500 million of pie? I thought so too. Write in pie!

5. Pi will never be awarded as a prize at the county fair.

4. Pi is the same no matter where you go.

3. You can’t fill pi with apples. Or even strawberries.

2. Rounding pie incorrectly never caused a satellite to burn up in the atmosphere.

1. Pi is irrational. Pie is irrationally delicious.