This morning, chicken & rice received a letter. It reads:

Good day. My name is pi. I understand you all liking pie, but must you constantly denigrate me to display your appreciation for food? As you may know, today is my day, pi day, 3/14, and at 1:59 p.m. EST, I’d like you to post this letter.

You often call me an irrational number. However, an irrational number is a real number that cannot be expressed as a fraction. I am expressed as circumference divided by diameter, or c/d. This means that I am expressed only as a fraction. My very essence is a fraction. Therefore I am a supremely rational number. Alas, your haphazard, jury-rigged system of mathematics does not realize this because you insist on the unnatural use of integers. √2 is irrational. I, however, am divine.

On this day, I ask that you join me in appreciating pi for what it is. Stop baking pies, stop ordering pizzas with pepperonis arranged in my likeness, stop making pie campaign videos, and stop posting about pies learning of evolution. I am evolution. This day is not about pie. It is about me, the supremely rational number. Pie may be delicious, but I am necessary to the advancement of your species and its understanding of the universe.

Thank you for your time. I will check back to ensure that you have posted this letter, so that my message may be read by your audience and instantly reach the masses.

Lolz. Pi, this pi’s for you.

Scene: Classroom. Pies have settled in their seats, and Mrs. Applepie is busy scribbling on the board. She turns.

Mrs. Applepie: Alright class, settle down.

The students look at each other. None have spoken in the last minute. Mrs. Applepie is obviously agitated.

Mrs. Applepie: Right, off we go then.

Now the class knows something is wrong. She almost never speaks with a British accent unless she’s mocking a culture’s pretentious and unseemly ways. She steps to the left, revealing to the class what she has written on the board. EVOLUTION.

Mrs. Applepie: Evolution.

As the members of the class mouth to themselves, “Evolution.” Well, most of them. As usual, Pumpkin decides to chime in.

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, my parents say that evolution is a lie.

Mrs. Applepie: That’s very good Pumpkin, but today-

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, my parents say that Steve the Baker made me, and anyone who doesn’t think so is going to Hell.

To pies, Hell is being eaten by a fat guy, cursed to wander his digestive system forever, fully impacted, never to find the holy Sewer.

Mrs. Applepie: That might be true, Pumpkin, but have you ever wondered why all pies are different?

Pumpkin: Is it because Steve the Baker wants them to be?

Peach: I’m a princess!

Mrs. Applepie: That’s nice, Peach. But for a second, lets use our crazy imaginations. Lets assume that every pie is made by a different baker. And depending on the baker, you might be made out of different ingredients, or have a flakier crust, or not be completely cooked all the way.

Halfbaked: Like me!

Mrs. Applepie: Yes, like you. And that’s how ever pie comes out differently. But you have to remember kids, not every pie is as delicious as the other pies. Some pies will be taken by good families, while others will sit on the shelf for months, and then be placed on the discount rack.

The students gasp. The discount rack is the fastest way to hell.

Mrs. Applepie: But there’s good news. Bakers whose pies don’t sell will go out of business and die, which means good pies and their bakers can live on, and the next generation of pies might be even more delicious than before. So you see, we use bakers in order to make more of ourselves, and if there’s a bad baker, capitalism takes care of him.

The class pauses, deep in thought over the information they have just received. It is Pumpkin who breaks the silence.

Pumpkin: Mrs. Applepie, you don’t really believe that, do you?

Mrs. Applepie: Of course not! Now lets all bow our heads and say a prayer to Steve the Baker.

Rhubarb: In a public school?

Mrs. Applepie: Satan!

End scene.