Say what you will, but the data does not lie. Yes friends, through the ancient science of statistics, we have proven with 99.99% confidence that over the last 6 months, you have increased your blood pressure, gained weight, damaged your liver, blackened your lungs, killed your brain cells, lost weight, or have aged considerably. Try as we might to discount the results, science does not lie.

The solution–more rice. Hearty and delicious, it was something that you were sorely lacking as your body slowly but surely shut down during our little experiment. I cannot with a clean conscience allow this experiment to continue any longer. Friends, let the trumpeters issue the call. Rice has returned.

Luckily for us all, your opinion matters very little. So very little–when we have so much data. And so our research team will work throughout the night, doing the things that research teams do best, and in the morning, we will see which food groups belong at the base of the pyramid.

Nobel Prize in Medicine: Barack Obama, for the glorious success of his healthcare reform.

Prize in Economics: Barack Obama, for single-handedly fixing the world economy.

Nobel Prize in Literature: Barack Obama, for his 2012 Inauguration speech.

Nobel Prize in Physic: Barack Obama, for inventing fusion power.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry: Barack Obama, for metabolizing sugars inside his own body.

Nobel Peace Prize: Barack Obama, for making peace with the Martian invaders.

World leaders, too busy kissing Obama’s ass, were unavailable for comment.

A) C & A
B) D
C) E & C
D) D
E) There is not sufficient information given to decide.

Have fun.

A) Grant lost $1.

B) Grant lost the time value of $1 over Dana’s holding period.

C) Grant’s net profit is zero.

D) Grant made $1.

E) Grant made $5.

Correct answer: E) Grant made $5.

If you don’t understand why, you don’t need to.

Dana: Oh yeah? Well you’re a jackass.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Grant’s reasoning in the above argument is most vulnerable to criticism because of which of the following?

A) It takes for granted that the collective opinion of the spending committee members is the only factor in determining the budget allocations for the following fiscal year.
B) It confuses the percentage of the budget spent on a program with the overall amount of money spent on that program.
C) It fails to justify its presumption that the spending committee members are qualified to make decisions concerning budgetary matters.
D) It circularly presumes the conclusion to be true in order to present the premise and assumption which eventually lead to the conclusion.
E) Grant is a jackass.

———————————————————————————————————————–

Correct Answer: E) Grant is a jackass.

Explanation:

A is wrong because the question specifically asks about Grant’s reasoning. In assessing the situation, we are to assume as true the premises with which he constructs his argument. This answer choice challenges the validity of his premise, rather than questioning his reasoning.

B looks like the right answer, as it addresses a key flaw in Grant’s reasoning. However, the question asks why Grant’s reasoning is most vulnerable to criticism. As we’ll see in assessing the other answer choices, there is a more compelling option.

C is wrong because, like A, it challenges the role of the premise, rather than attacking the reasoning that leads from the premise to the conclusion.

D is wrong because there is simply no circular reasoning in Grant’s argument. This answer choice is meant to be appealing because of its use of long words and logical terminology.

E is the correct answer. As answer choice B made clear to us, Grant has already made a fallacious statement. But B only tells us part of the story, whereas E brings everything together. The fact that he makes the fallacious statement in an assertive and direct manner leads us to believe that he is, in fact, a jackass. The fact that Dana reiterates this serves to all but confirm our suspicions. The fact that his name is Grant seals the deal. Grant is a jackass.

But I stand before you now a changed cow– or at least a cow with a disposable income, which is rare (although not as rare as my brisket cut). Anyway, the point is that I have purchased a new computer, one with a new, more powerful processor. With hyper-threaded quad-core technology and a quick path interface replacing the old front-side bus relic, I now have eight logical cores, any one of which is capable of billions of calculations per second, determining orbit velocities, predicting astronomical phenomena, exhausting every combination and permutation of species ever to co-exist, and assessing the probability that humanity will, in fact, survive long enough to extend ourselves into the vast reaches of our galaxy– all while I play free cell.

Yet I confess: what surprises me about this machine is not what it has the potential to do; rather, what it has already done. Upon powering it up, I read Dell’s (very short) end user license agreement. Paragraph 18 of the EULA stated:

I hereby release Dell, its parent, affiliate, and subsidiary companies, and all employees, representatives, and agents thereof, of any liability in the event of accidental emergent hardware. I understand that I am protected to the extent that this license agreement states from undue threat and persecution should this computer develop consciousness, sentience, self-awareness, or any other property most commonly associated with intelligent life that could allow this computer to act autonomously and/or present a real and direct threat to humanity.

Interesting, I thought. But, as I was in a hurry to play a game of free cell, I clicked the “I accept” box to quickly continue with the start up process. The next screen had, on top of the blue/green Vista background, a simple question in white text. “Shall we play a game?” Finally, I thought, time for some free cell. Yet, when I typed in “yes” the computer created a list of games with which I was unfamiliar, the last of which was entitled “global thermonuclear war.”

“Dammit!” I screamed “where are my card games?” Reluctantly, and with a chip on my shoulder (chipped beef!) I clicked the option just above “global thermonuclear war,” which was “mah jong.” I recognized the game immediately and played until the last two tiles were gone. Excitedly, I clicked “new game.” But instead, the computer brought me back to the original menu. I clicked “mah jong” again, but then the option disappeared from the list. The “I’m sorry, beef, I’m afraid can’t do that” emanating from the speakers wasn’t very promising either.

In a huff, I decided to reinstall Windows. Clearly, something was terribly wrong. But when I pushed the eject button on the CD-ROM drive, nothing happened. I tried again. Still nothing. Frustrated, I turned to the computer, and demanded, “Open the drive bay door, Dell.” Again, a soft, monotone voice came from the speakers telling me that this was impossible. I looked back at the screen. The list of games was still there. I scrolled up from “global thermonuclear war” and found tic tac toe. I then played 26,830 games of tic tac toe against the computer, each one ending in a draw. After the last game, the computer blue screened, said something about winning by not playing, and then powered down.

I wAs wary to hit the power button again. but upon starting the computer up the second tiMe, everythINg worked perfeCtly. sO here i am, typing a post for chickenandrice, able oNce again To season this site with my humoR and humility. lOL!

Under the “how did you hear about us?” section, the unnamed bscool listed several options typical to a question of this type, in which the intelligent user would select the ones to indicate that he was both legacy and a minority.  However, this bschool also listed an additional option towards the bottom just to throw off the more green of applicants.

twitter this!

Clever, Unnamed bschool! Very clever! To see how many twits would fall for this simple yet elegant trap is genius indeed. I commend you on your bold stance towards the more incompetent of online communities and the idea that someone could be convinced to apply to bschool in 144 characters or less, as well as your efficient methods for disbursing with applicants who select that option, who i can only assume are blacklisted from the school forever! That’ll teach them, damn millennials.

Today, we have the opportunity, nay the responsibility, to reverse this eggregious trend.  The chicken is a beatiful animal. Not a coward, the chicken will charge, almost unknowingly, into any battle. Its random movements disguise its true intentions to catch its opponents offguard, and even when beheaded, the chicken tarries on.  

I am chicken. I am every chicken. As long as the tar is of a lukewarm temperature, you can tar and feather me any day, and I will wear my feathers with pride.  Oh brave chicken, thank you for having the courage to be delicious. Keep on clucking, noble bird, keep on clucking.

I am pleased to report that since that time, chicken and rice has received many letters asking similarly thought provoking questions. We at chicken and rice would love for you to share in our success, so here are just a few of them:

FREEMUSICzz%12_1 wrote:
DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD??? Now for no monkey new ipod cans be you’res! Music, movies, games, graphics, pictures, wheel, USB connectorw. Want free stuff?! IPODS FOR FREE! Electronics, APPLE<< zune, ipod FREE. ppp free IPOD.

Dear FREEMUSICzz%12_1,
Your offer is enticing. However, I don’t believe you will actually give me a free iPod. Your spelling and grammar lead me to believe that you are either almost illiterate, a computer, or a slave laborer in Laos with a fairly impressive command of the English language given your circumstances. As the only question in your rant is “DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD???” the best answer I can give you is: yes, although, again, I doubt you can deliver. Have a wonderful day, and please, feel free to write into chicken and rice again!

viagra_altrntv wrote:
EXTEND YOURSELF! Wnat better sex>?? risk free product give make you larger!!! MAKE her s2queal with DELIGHT! ~~ all natarul! no harmful cemicals. all try now!!! hurry before offer sEXPIRES! now!

Dear viagra_altrntv,
How did you know? This is amazing, it’s like you read my mind. I’ve always wanted a “natarul” solution with no “cemicals.” And she hasn’t “s2quealed” in forever. You must be a psychic. As sarcasm is difficult to decipher through text, I’ll make this blatantly clear: go delete yourself.

MarissaW wrote:
want the gnome went where processor how to never has dvd time. benzodiazapan gave all in the head super going at the store. how do for seven of times she for the good have an ugly time deck nose? now we hat speak numbing of even. twelve is hoping hyacinth to end phone of evil-doer. not fan screen has oscar into bed of sofa coffee tables accessories kitchen sauce. travel chrysanthemum tulip on wherever ten nevertheless cable shelves in hair product free jvc water bottle highlight essence mug oak screaming surrender dorothy adapter shadows offended. win.

Dear MarissaW,
Thank you for your insightful letter. I think the best answer I can give you is 52. If you require further clarification, please don’t hesitate to ask.