July 2nd, 2011
You are malnourished.
Say what you will, but the data does not lie. Yes friends, through the ancient science of statistics, we have proven with 99.99% confidence that over the last 6 months, you have increased your blood pressure, gained weight, damaged your liver, blackened your lungs, killed your brain cells, lost weight, or have aged considerably. Try as we might to discount the results, science does not lie.
The solution–more rice. Hearty and delicious, it was something that you were sorely lacking as your body slowly but surely shut down during our little experiment. I cannot with a clean conscience allow this experiment to continue any longer. Friends, let the trumpeters issue the call. Rice has returned.
June 19th, 2011
Friends, you have just undergone an experiment. Without your knowledge or consent, we at chicken and rice put you, good reader, on the Atkins Diet–high in beef, low in rice. However, like all great experiments, this too must come to an end so that we may once again reflect on the propriety of the status quo. As our highly skilled research team tabulates, sub-totals, and box-and-whisker plots the data, we ask you, good reader, how do you feel? Do you feel 15 pounds lighter with a new spring to your step, or are you riddled with ulcers and other vile things? Can you go about your business, or was this really the diet you were looking for?
Luckily for us all, your opinion matters very little. So very little–when we have so much data. And so our research team will work throughout the night, doing the things that research teams do best, and in the morning, we will see which food groups belong at the base of the pyramid.
October 11th, 2009
The Nobel Committee has decided that there is no point in waiting until 2010 to announce the winners, saying that nothing can possibly alter its unanimous opinion on the matter. They announced the results (below) to cheers in Detroit, Kansas, and parts of California.
Nobel Prize in Medicine: Barack Obama, for the glorious success of his healthcare reform.
Prize in Economics: Barack Obama, for single-handedly fixing the world economy.
Nobel Prize in Literature: Barack Obama, for his 2012 Inauguration speech.
Nobel Prize in Physic: Barack Obama, for inventing fusion power.
Nobel Prize in Chemistry: Barack Obama, for metabolizing sugars inside his own body.
Nobel Peace Prize: Barack Obama, for making peace with the Martian invaders.
World leaders, too busy kissing Obama’s ass, were unavailable for comment.
The Results Are In!
