Xtreme Investigations – Outside the Bun, Part 2
February 18th, 2011

After my harrowing experience with the Double Down, I needed some time to collect myself, ponder the meaning of such reckless grease, and find the motivation to continue with my investigation. I recently returned to the same KFC/Taco Bell to experience another terrifying day of life outside the bun. The next subject: Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa.
Some things are just too big for their own good. I like to think of these things as, much like the Roman Empire, too big not to fail. Two such things are the XXL Chalupa and the New York Yankees. Perhaps that’s why Yankees manager Joe Girardi and Yankees closer Mariano Rivera star in a commercial for the XXL Chalupa. The commercial centers around the difficulty people have with finishing the XXL. Well I can tell you first hand that the difficulty comes not in finishing the chalupa, but in reconciling yourself with what you eventually realize you just ate.

When you open the box, the XXL appears by no means insurmountable. It is roughly the size of two regular chalupas. And while it takes a little longer to eat, you don’t feel full at the end (you don’t feel satisfied either, but that’s true of many things at Taco Bell). Only about ten minutes after you finish do you realize your folly. Like a compressed file, it unzips and extracts itself upon entering your stomach. You begin to wonder how much ground beef and fried-something-or-other you actually just consumed.

Because of this unique trait, the XXL is better suited, in my opinion, for another purpose. Instead of nourishment, it should be used as a weapon. First we confuse our enemies by giving them what looks to be a free meal. After they consume said meal, they become incapacitated by nausea, stomach aches, and indigestion. We could end wars without firing a single shot. We could apprehend our enemies, as they would be throwing themselves at our feet, begging for some sort of medical attention. Yes, friends, the XXL is the Trojan Horse of chalupas, and it should be wielded as such.
But with great power comes great responsibility– which is why I am disappointed that Taco Bell has recklessly introduced the XXL to the general public when it truly belongs in C-17s en route to combat zones. In the wrong hands, this toxic agent presents a danger to society and a threat to our way of life. So please join me in asking Taco Bell to remove this powerful weapon from their menu, so that it may serve our country without being served to our country.







