OTTAWA, Canada - Birds are dying.  Every year, an estimated 500 million birds fly into skyscrapers with transparent windows.  These collisions cost the birds their lives.  This year someone finally decided to do something.  But before looking at the solution, we should look at the problem.  Why do so few help?

For many, the statistics are too much to bear.  A local musician responded,  “I am disgusted.  The noble bird is the source of amazing poetry, and the basis for many of my songs.  Birds are dying so some rich businessmen can have a view.  Is it worth the view to kill a bird?  Does no one care?” He then covered one of his eyes so he only see half the pain caused by the skyscrapers.  A tear could be seen rolling out his other, disenfranchised eye.

The collisions hurt the flightless birds in much the same way.  An emu, weighed down by grief, commented, “If I had arms I’d cut myself.” That was the only phrase he knew.

And the buildings?  The buildings are indifferent.  Calls to the EWI building, representative to the IUCN World Conservation Congress, were not returned.

Birds are dying, skyscrapers are silent, musicians are paralyzed, and no one is doing anything about the problem.

Except little Charlie Sobcov.  World traveler, eighth grader, Canadian…Charlie is many things.  Most of all, though, Charlie is a lover of birds.  He fell in love during a trip to Costa Rica years ago, and was appalled when he found out the statistics.  But Charlie didn’t fall into an emotional stupor.  Charlie acted.

During an exhaustive examination of the bird’s sensory systems, he discovered that birds and humans see different spectra of light.  Charlie painted several windows with paint that is visible to birds but not humans.  “Immediately the birds stopped flying into those windows,” he said.  He plans to quickly expand his trials.

We here at chicken and rice salute Charlie for being part of the solution.  Pointless death is not delicious.  His hard work has given many hope.  Hope that pointless death stops.  Hope that musician could be enfranchised again.  Hope that emu need not despond.  Hope those skyscrapers need not kill.  But, most of all, hope that birds need not die.

We cannot wait to see what little Charlie will think up next.  He has a lot in common with another lover of birds, a man who visited the Galapagos and fell in love with the islands’ finches.  That man was Charles Darwin.

Dear Rice,
While I was at the grocery store looking for brussels sprouts, I came across teriyaki sauce. Growing up, I was taught that flavorful spices and sauces, especially those of the Asiatic peoples, would led to decadence and decay. Thus I ate chicken, potatoes, and brussels sprouts plain. As I branch out with my life and try new things, could you help me out and explain to me exactly what this mysterious sauce should be used for?

Sincerely,
A Teriyaki Virgin

Dear TV,
You pose a legitimate question–one that I have asked myself on many an occasion. How can we hold true to our isolationist American culture while still enjoying everything our jingoistic outbursts provide? Can we build an 8 foot concrete wall on the Mexican border, but install a small take-out window for tacos? Would cheap Chinese food still be as delicious if it were made by a non-illegal alien?

To reconcile the great teriyaki disparity we turn to a man from the orient, General Sun-tzu, who in the 5th century B.C., said that for one to succeed, one must keep his friends close and his enemies closer. With this in mind, the answer is clear. In order to recognize the dangers that these exotic marinades pose to impressionable males, we must study them. To fully combat the yellow fever which they induce, we must consume them, and in doing so, we neutralize a critical weapon in the oriental arsenal. Wars of the future will be fought not on the battlefield but in the kitchen. The masses think not with their minds but with their stomachs. The Romans understood this. So did Ben and Jerry. Now, so shall we. And if we perfect the delicacies of East-Asian flavorings, we will become the masters of all cuisines, and the world shall tremble at the taste of our delicious.

In short, I highly recommend marinading chicken with teriyaki sauce and then stir frying with red peppers and bean sprouts. I hope this answers your questions. Feel free to send more questions to — delicious [at] chickenandrice [dot] org— and a member of the chicken and rice team will be happy to respond.

Sincerely,
Rice

Squirrel is a delicious meat. But more on that in a moment.

First I have sad news, friends. Our beloved gray squirrels are under attack simply because of the color of their fur. People in the United Kingdom are apparently partial to their red squirrels who, although they are terribly cute, are not above all other squirrels simply because of color. That, as we know, is racism.

Our story is a complex one. As a nation, we forged our destiny from defiance of the tyranny of the old world. We sought freedom and equality. However, our new government retained the shames of human bondage long after the old world stepped out of the very same shackles. The old world learned first that racism is wrong. Yet they now return to their old preconceptions based on color. Gray squirrels are being killed to save the red squirrels, as there is not enough space on the tiny island of Britain for both species. But not just killed– the gray squirrels are being eaten.

Now we return to the deliciousness of squirrel meat. It has been described as “nutty,” “greasy,” and “a stronger version of rabbit.” I would one day like to try squirrel meat, so that I may personally testify to its greatness. But I have to wonder: could I enjoy the meat of a squirrel knowing that its death was the product of rampant racism? Could I be happy because of evil? I declare that the racism driving the addition of squirrel to many British menus is enough to ruin the experience, and it taints and insults the taste of squirrel.

So I am asking all of you to join me in sending a message to the squirrel gamers. Together, we must boycott squirrel meat until all squirrels are hunted equally. For some of you, this may mean giving up your favorite dish, or saying “no” at the dinner table every night. For many others, this boycott will require no change in your daily lifestyle whatsoever. But just remember that we cannot progress as a society while these prejudices exist. One day, friends, I will taste the meat of gray squirrel– at the same time as I taste the meat of red squirrel.