An updated list of current economic crises around the world, using cows. I decided the old one just didn’t have to scope to cover the absurdity of today’s problems. Enjoy. Moo.
-beef

United States (Wall Street)
You have two cows. They wander away. The government gives you two more. You immediately slaughter them, dispose of the meat, and use the hides to reupholster the leather on your massaging recliner in your private jet. You then ask the government for two more cows.

United States (Main Street)
You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives them to a struggling corporation. A private jet flies overhead. You have a cow.

Florida
You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives them to your mortgage lender. You lose your house.

Russia
You have three cows. You lose one. The government halts trading and spends one of your two remaining cows researching how to stop losing cows. The markets reopen. You now have no cows.

Tibet
You have a yak. The Chinese government takes it and exiles you.

Zimbabwe
You have two cows. You trade them for a roll of toilet paper. Half a roll of toilet paper. A sheet of toilet paper. You waited too long.

Gaza
You have no cows. You receive 900 million cows in international aid.

Haiti
You have no cows. No one cares.

Iran
You have two nukes. You tell everyone they’re cows.

North Korea
You have two cows. You tell everyone they’re nukes.

Greenland
You have a polar bear. It eats you. You’re ahead of the curve.

China
You have two cows. The government takes them and lends them to America, promising you an eventual three cows and a plot of land in Oklahoma. But for now, you get a yak.

Switzerland
You produce chocolate and cheese. Why is no one producing any milk?

Dedicated to my friends, especially the ones who never said this was a bad idea, my sister and her fiance, because they like shiny things, and my parents, who were very supportive when they just found out I quit my day job to become the world’s first bubble composer.

Hope you enjoy
rice

When people say that the best meal is the one you cook yourself, they are usually lying to you.  On a fateful Thursday night, however, with the stars and planets aligned, the moon full, and the Kurinji flower in bloom, the doors to hell itself opened, and I iron chefed up some dinner that was unbelievably good (please note: correlation does not imply causation). It was as if i was possessed by a master-chef of old. He whispered things. Ancient things. He said: (please note, the transcription below is not for the faint of heart)

2 boneless pork chops
1/2 medium green pepper, cut into squares
5 white mushrooms, sliced
3 sprouts of green onion, chopped
2 slices ham
1 slice American cheese
2 tsp thyme
1 tsp garlic
3 tbsp oil
salt, pepper

Trim some, but not all fat from pork chops. Coat each lightly with salt, pepper, garlic, and thyme. Heat oil in 12in non-stick saucepan at high. Sear either side of pork chop. Reduce heat to medium. Add green peppers. Wait a few minutes and then add mushrooms. Stir mushrooms and green peppers, and flip pork chops occasionally to ensure even cooking. When pork chop is almost cooked, place 1/2 slice of cheese on each pork chop and cover with a slice of ham. Wait until cheese is melted and throw green onions on top of dish. Serve immediately. Recommended side: mashed potatoes.

The pork chops were moist, and enhanced by the flavor of the ham to give the dish just a tinge of sweetness. The sharpness of the cheese further accentuated the commonality of the ham and the pork, while literally holding the dish together. The green peppers and mushroom not only added moisture during the cooking process but had absorbed the flavor of the pork, and provided texture to the meal.

It had me at the first bite. It let me delve into its soul and search for the meaning of existence. For the first time in my life, I was a medium of greatness, as master chef and student pork chop conducted an orchestra in my kitchen. I asked what I should call it, and the pork chop whispered back, much like the ancient master who was possessing me at the time. Pork Xtreme, you are delicious. So it is written.