This morning, chicken & rice received a letter. It reads:

Good day. My name is pi. I understand you all liking pie, but must you constantly denigrate me to display your appreciation for food? As you may know, today is my day, pi day, 3/14, and at 1:59 p.m. EST, I’d like you to post this letter.

You often call me an irrational number. However, an irrational number is a real number that cannot be expressed as a fraction. I am expressed as circumference divided by diameter, or c/d. This means that I am expressed only as a fraction. My very essence is a fraction. Therefore I am a supremely rational number. Alas, your haphazard, jury-rigged system of mathematics does not realize this because you insist on the unnatural use of integers. √2 is irrational. I, however, am divine.

On this day, I ask that you join me in appreciating pi for what it is. Stop baking pies, stop ordering pizzas with pepperonis arranged in my likeness, stop making pie campaign videos, and stop posting about pies learning of evolution. I am evolution. This day is not about pie. It is about me, the supremely rational number. Pie may be delicious, but I am necessary to the advancement of your species and its understanding of the universe.

Thank you for your time. I will check back to ensure that you have posted this letter, so that my message may be read by your audience and instantly reach the masses.

Lolz. Pi, this pi’s for you.

Because I could not bake for Beth–
She kindly baked for me–
The Kitchen held but just Ourselves–
And Geniality

We slowly mixed– She knew no haste
And I had put away
My Oster and my KitchenAid,
For her Placidity–

We put the Pan upon the Stove–
Pushed creases– in the Dough–
We used the mealy Barley Grain–
We used the Lecithin–

Or rather– It used us–
The Muse stood– though kneading, still–
For only Countertop, her Canvas–
Her Throne was just a Stool–

We paused before the Oven steamed–
The Bread rose– slowly browned–
The Wheat was scarcely visible–
The Yeast– lost in the Mound–

Since then– ’tis Years have passed– and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first realized that Beth had found
The perfect Recipe–