The Nobel Committee has decided that there is no point in waiting until 2010 to announce the winners, saying that nothing can possibly alter its unanimous opinion on the matter. They announced the results (below) to cheers in Detroit, Kansas, and parts of California.

Nobel Prize in Medicine: Barack Obama, for the glorious success of his healthcare reform.

Prize in Economics: Barack Obama, for single-handedly fixing the world economy.

Nobel Prize in Literature: Barack Obama, for his 2012 Inauguration speech.

Nobel Prize in Physic: Barack Obama, for inventing fusion power.

Nobel Prize in Chemistry: Barack Obama, for metabolizing sugars inside his own body.

Nobel Peace Prize: Barack Obama, for making peace with the Martian invaders.

World leaders, too busy kissing Obama’s ass, were unavailable for comment.