Supersize This
August 16th, 2009
Heaven exists, and it is in Canada, or so I was informed by foreign correspondent aardappel. At first the claim seemed incredulous. Canada, famous for maple syrup, hockey, and surely something else–could the promised land truly be within its borders? Could a nation which could not even rid itself of French be worthy of such an honor? At first I attributed aardappel’s rantings to his loose European morals and ruefully inadequate government-sponsored healthcare. But upon translating his words to English, I finally was able to understand.
Tim Hortons, referred more colloquially as Timmy Hos, has become the largest enterprise in all of Canada. In an albeit brief spark of Canadian ingenuity, TIm revolutionized the extra value meal by offering a doughnut with a sandwich instead of fries. The results–truly delicious. The doughnut provides the perfect sweet, low-sodium contrast to the sandwich, and completes any meal, breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
Wendys, a staple of American culture since the “Where’s the beef?” revolution of 1984, has continued to evolve in the 21st century with such innovations as the Frosty and the spicy chicken sandwich. The epitome of quality American production, Wendys fast food delicacies balance the fine line between quality and quantity.
Friends, I have seen the future. It is a union among the great powers of the world, not through treaties ratified by Congress, but by the mergers of fast food restaurants around the globe. They will put aside their differences and join together such that all mankind can create a meal worthy of Steve himself: a turkey sandwich, extra mustard, with a spicy chicken sandwich, a side doughnut, and a frosty. Upon consumption of said meal, all peoples of the planet will finally be able to appreciate that even such disparate nations of Canada and the U.S. can unite for the common delicious. Oh fabled Tim Hortons/Wendys, someday I will reach you, but until then, continue forth as a beacon of hope for all peoples who yearn for the freedom to choose a doughut instead of a large fry.
“Friends, I have seen the future. It is a union among the great powers of the world, not through treaties ratified by Congress, but by the mergers of fast food restaurants around the globe.”
interesting theory… it has long been predicted that globalization would be greatly accelerated by non-government actors, private forces emerging from phenomena such as an expanding global market and enhanced free trade agreements. but what was driving THOSE forces? now we know it to be deliciousness.
Comment by beef — August 17, 2009 @ 1:57 pm
yes, legend has foretold of the invisible tongue of deliciousness that will lead America down the esophagus of…err…deliciousness.
Comment by rice — August 18, 2009 @ 6:24 am