It has been far too long. But fear not. My hiatus was due not to apathy or despair; it was instead brought about by an unfortunate lack of technology. Not even a bloviating bovine is above the obvious and inevitable invisibility of a viable solution sans a viable means. In anti-prose, my processor fried itself. Why, you may ask, did my little Sempron feel the burning (pun intended) need to engage in the violent and counter-productive act of self immolation? For an in-depth answer, I direct to you AMD. But for our purposes, it matters not. What matters is that without a processor, my computer could not function. Without a computer, my wit could not reach chickenandrice. Without my wit, we were all a little more empty inside during these past couple of months. For want of a few non-charred transistors, an era was lost.

But I stand before you now a changed cow– or at least a cow with a disposable income, which is rare (although not as rare as my brisket cut). Anyway, the point is that I have purchased a new computer, one with a new, more powerful processor. With hyper-threaded quad-core technology and a quick path interface replacing the old front-side bus relic, I now have eight logical cores, any one of which is capable of billions of calculations per second, determining orbit velocities, predicting astronomical phenomena, exhausting every combination and permutation of species ever to co-exist, and assessing the probability that humanity will, in fact, survive long enough to extend ourselves into the vast reaches of our galaxy– all while I play free cell.

Yet I confess: what surprises me about this machine is not what it has the potential to do; rather, what it has already done. Upon powering it up, I read Dell’s (very short) end user license agreement. Paragraph 18 of the EULA stated:

I hereby release Dell, its parent, affiliate, and subsidiary companies, and all employees, representatives, and agents thereof, of any liability in the event of accidental emergent hardware. I understand that I am protected to the extent that this license agreement states from undue threat and persecution should this computer develop consciousness, sentience, self-awareness, or any other property most commonly associated with intelligent life that could allow this computer to act autonomously and/or present a real and direct threat to humanity.

Interesting, I thought. But, as I was in a hurry to play a game of free cell, I clicked the “I accept” box to quickly continue with the start up process. The next screen had, on top of the blue/green Vista background, a simple question in white text. “Shall we play a game?” Finally, I thought, time for some free cell. Yet, when I typed in “yes” the computer created a list of games with which I was unfamiliar, the last of which was entitled “global thermonuclear war.”

“Dammit!” I screamed “where are my card games?” Reluctantly, and with a chip on my shoulder (chipped beef!) I clicked the option just above “global thermonuclear war,” which was “mah jong.” I recognized the game immediately and played until the last two tiles were gone. Excitedly, I clicked “new game.” But instead, the computer brought me back to the original menu. I clicked “mah jong” again, but then the option disappeared from the list. The “I’m sorry, beef, I’m afraid can’t do that” emanating from the speakers wasn’t very promising either.

In a huff, I decided to reinstall Windows. Clearly, something was terribly wrong. But when I pushed the eject button on the CD-ROM drive, nothing happened. I tried again. Still nothing. Frustrated, I turned to the computer, and demanded, “Open the drive bay door, Dell.” Again, a soft, monotone voice came from the speakers telling me that this was impossible. I looked back at the screen. The list of games was still there. I scrolled up from “global thermonuclear war” and found tic tac toe. I then played 26,830 games of tic tac toe against the computer, each one ending in a draw. After the last game, the computer blue screened, said something about winning by not playing, and then powered down.

I wAs wary to hit the power button again. but upon starting the computer up the second tiMe, everythINg worked perfeCtly. sO here i am, typing a post for chickenandrice, able oNce again To season this site with my humoR and humility. lOL!

Friends, it has been much too long. It has been so long, in fact, that some doubted whether chicken and rice would ever return. I will save the tale of where I have been for another day. Suffice it to say, however, that sometimes you have to let the jambalaya stand for five minutes before serving. In any event, without further ado, I bring to you something delicious to sate the hunger.

Life is like a chaos potluck. It is the chaos that makes life enjoyable. It keeps you guessing, never quite knowing what will emerge from the kitchen called humanity, much of which is yet to be experienced or discovered.  But no matter what, as long as you invite enough people to your chaos potluck, odds are you will get something that you will enjoy.  Sometimes you get all food, and sometimes, you get all beer. However, every once in awhile, you get food and beer, and then everyone has a good time. Well…everyone but the vegans with Celiac Disease, but they don’t really matter anyway. So friends, a final thought of a simple post — relish the chaos, and don’t make friends with vegans. The result will be delicious with probability approaching one.