Easter is delicious. In no other holiday is the idea of consumption for the sake of self-preservation so pervasive than in the celebration of Jesus coming back to life. To give this day the justice it deserves, let me explain further.

Rabbits that lay eggs are evil and must be destroyed. Since it is impossible to catch an egg-laying rabbit once it has been born, we must cut off this evolutionary tragedy at its chocolate-encrusted source. Friends, consume these eggs as if your life depended on it. Because in reality, they do.

Ducklings filled with marshmallow are evil and must be destroyed. They are the Rabbit’s pawns–the foot soldiers in a never-ending battle of markdowns and 2-for-1 specials. They sacrifice themselves to their rabbit-laying gods, enticing consumers to purchase them and leave the eggs to mature. Do not be fooled–50% off of something revolting is still not a good deal.

Jesus in cracker form is the only thing that will save you. Yes, save you from chocolate-covered, egg-laying rabbits and their marshmallow-filled suicidal ducklings. Happy easter, and happy hunting.