Friends, today we dispel a most unfair reputation.  Centuries ago, the emu-loving propaganda machine successfully injected into the hearts and minds of impressionable youths the idea that chickens were equivalent to cowards. To be called chicken was considered a challenge to one’s courage. Tarring and feathering was a frequently-used dehumanizing technique used to punish society’s miscreants. All the while, chickens around the world could do naught but wonder why their name was transformed to such a pejorative term. 

Today, we have the opportunity, nay the responsibility, to reverse this eggregious trend.  The chicken is a beatiful animal. Not a coward, the chicken will charge, almost unknowingly, into any battle. Its random movements disguise its true intentions to catch its opponents offguard, and even when beheaded, the chicken tarries on.  

I am chicken. I am every chicken. As long as the tar is of a lukewarm temperature, you can tar and feather me any day, and I will wear my feathers with pride.  Oh brave chicken, thank you for having the courage to be delicious. Keep on clucking, noble bird, keep on clucking.

In January, chicken and rice received its first letter from a reader. Teriyaki Virgin was apprehensive about using Asian spices and sauces and wrote about these fears. Through an in-depth conversation, rice was able to address TV’s concerns and recommend ways to employ systematic desensitization in order to learn how to enjoy Asian cuisine.

I am pleased to report that since that time, chicken and rice has received many letters asking similarly thought provoking questions. We at chicken and rice would love for you to share in our success, so here are just a few of them:

FREEMUSICzz%12_1 wrote:
DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD??? Now for no monkey new ipod cans be you’res! Music, movies, games, graphics, pictures, wheel, USB connectorw. Want free stuff?! IPODS FOR FREE! Electronics, APPLE<< zune, ipod FREE. ppp free IPOD.

Dear FREEMUSICzz%12_1,
Your offer is enticing. However, I don’t believe you will actually give me a free iPod. Your spelling and grammar lead me to believe that you are either almost illiterate, a computer, or a slave laborer in Laos with a fairly impressive command of the English language given your circumstances. As the only question in your rant is “DO YOU WANT FREE IPOD???” the best answer I can give you is: yes, although, again, I doubt you can deliver. Have a wonderful day, and please, feel free to write into chicken and rice again!

viagra_altrntv wrote:
EXTEND YOURSELF! Wnat better sex>?? risk free product give make you larger!!! MAKE her s2queal with DELIGHT! ~~ all natarul! no harmful cemicals. all try now!!! hurry before offer sEXPIRES! now!

Dear viagra_altrntv,
How did you know? This is amazing, it’s like you read my mind. I’ve always wanted a “natarul” solution with no “cemicals.” And she hasn’t “s2quealed” in forever. You must be a psychic. As sarcasm is difficult to decipher through text, I’ll make this blatantly clear: go delete yourself.

MarissaW wrote:
want the gnome went where processor how to never has dvd time. benzodiazapan gave all in the head super going at the store. how do for seven of times she for the good have an ugly time deck nose? now we hat speak numbing of even. twelve is hoping hyacinth to end phone of evil-doer. not fan screen has oscar into bed of sofa coffee tables accessories kitchen sauce. travel chrysanthemum tulip on wherever ten nevertheless cable shelves in hair product free jvc water bottle highlight essence mug oak screaming surrender dorothy adapter shadows offended. win.

Dear MarissaW,
Thank you for your insightful letter. I think the best answer I can give you is 52. If you require further clarification, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Easter is delicious. In no other holiday is the idea of consumption for the sake of self-preservation so pervasive than in the celebration of Jesus coming back to life. To give this day the justice it deserves, let me explain further.

Rabbits that lay eggs are evil and must be destroyed. Since it is impossible to catch an egg-laying rabbit once it has been born, we must cut off this evolutionary tragedy at its chocolate-encrusted source. Friends, consume these eggs as if your life depended on it. Because in reality, they do.

Ducklings filled with marshmallow are evil and must be destroyed. They are the Rabbit’s pawns–the foot soldiers in a never-ending battle of markdowns and 2-for-1 specials. They sacrifice themselves to their rabbit-laying gods, enticing consumers to purchase them and leave the eggs to mature. Do not be fooled–50% off of something revolting is still not a good deal.

Jesus in cracker form is the only thing that will save you. Yes, save you from chocolate-covered, egg-laying rabbits and their marshmallow-filled suicidal ducklings. Happy easter, and happy hunting.