A study released in November by a team from Johns Hopkins University has found that people are, in fact, less fuel efficient than their over-sized, gas-guzzling, rip-roaring, carbon-unloading V8 counterparts currently parked in their driveways. At a press conference yesterday, Dr. Evelyn Henderson told reporters that “we have unlocked the key to energy conservation, and [it] is the SUV.”

When asked to clarify, Henderson explained that the human body and a Hummer H2 consume, gallon for gallon, approximately the same amount of water and gasoline, respectively, over the same distance. Since gasoline is now cheaper than bottled water, the H2 would provide a more fiscally responsible travel option than walking. But the research went beyond hydration. “Let’s keep in mind that water is only a short-term fuel for the body. Really, water only deals with hydration levels. Energy– now that’s the kicker. That’s where food comes in.”

According to the study, a human of average weight, height, build, and age burns between 1800 and 2000 calories on a ten mile walk. “But where do those calories come from in the first place?” asks Dr. Guhaan Chandrasekhar, Director of Triviality Studies at Hopkins’ Bloomberg School of Public Health. “While our bodies are remarkable machines, they can’t simply fabricate the stored chemical energy that is used on physical excursions of this magnitude. The calories,” he continues, “we acquire with foods. And the foods we acquire with monies.”

The study reveals that the average marathon runner consumes $36.71 worth of food in the 24 hours before the race. In comparison, with a price of $1.70 per gallon of gasoline, an H2 consumes about $4.00 worth of fuel in order to travel the same distance. “This is not a mere triviality,” said Chandrasekhar. “In every instance in which you walk rather than drive your SUV, you are wasting money.”

Henderson echoed this concern in the press conference, asking the reporters how they arrived at Johns Hopkins for the news event. She scorned the journalists who said they walked or used public transportation, and gave gold stars to the ones who drove their own vehicles. One local reporter, for unknown reasons, drove an empty school bus to the press conference. He was awarded a medal.

Another reporter asked whether it was possible for anyone to outperform an H2, to which Henderson replied, “Well, I’m not at liberty to discuss all our clinical procedures with you. Suffice it to say that we’re quite sure no one can survive a marathon if they eat less than $4.00 worth of food.” When asked how sure, she simply responded, “Very.”

Given this breakthrough, the team of researchers encouraged people to drive whenever possible, at least as long as the cost of gasoline is low. “Park your car at the top of your driveway and drive down to the mailbox instead of walking,” Henderson suggested.

When asked about the environmental impact of such actions, Henderson replied, “Walking would keep you healthier, and therefore, alive longer. And you, fellow human, are far more of a threat to this planet than your Hummer.”