When I was young, I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I’m sure that I was not alone in this fantasy, as many of you may have shared in my adoration of our reptilian protectors. Really, what was not to love? True to their name, they were the synthesis of the cool California teenage surfer, a bucketful of mutagen-filled  super power awesome, and capped off with rat-trained elegant ninja grace, plus they ate pizza all the time, never went to school, and saved the world from Shredder while spouting what we could only assume to be hip catch-phrases and clever shell-related one-liners–so many of the characteristics which a six year old aspires to.

Friends, as I became older, I realized that I could not be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. When I was eight, I had to face the fact that I was indeed human.  When I was thirteen, I discovered a lack of ninja gracefulness. At twenty, I realized I was no longer a teenager, and though my mutantness had not been dispelled, as of yet it has not provided me any form of super strength. But the pivotal moment occurred last week–a day when fate did force a confrontation between what I had hoped to be, and what I had become.

My hands sweated as the waiter approached, bowl in hand. And as each step stretched for miles, I pondered all the memories I had shared with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Every time Shredder had declared “Tonight, I dine on turtle soup,” the turtles would be there, time and again, to thwart his plans and teach him a lesson he would not forget until the next episode aired, and each time, it felt that I was fighting right beside them. Could I give up that emotional investment? Was this what growing up was really about? If I were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, would this be considered cannibalism? These questioned weighed upon my conscience till at last I was presented with the slow-boiled delicacy, its smell enticing and tempting as only vice could exude.

When I was young, I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  I’m sure that deep down, part of me still does, but the other part thinks that turtle soup is delicious, and some night, I may dine on it once again.