At times, conscience demands that we defend an unpopular position, so as to stand for what we hold to be right. It is true that 97% of us believe that pie is delicious. This counterpoint is in no way intended to diminish credit where credit is due. Pie is a wonderful food, and it is, without a doubt, delicious.

But to be president requires more than deliciousness. It requires fortitude, strength, a solid understanding of the issues facing Americans, and a broad yet particular knowledge of what America’s role should be in the world. A good president must be willing to get his hands dirty. Pie has no hands, and even if it did, it could not get them dirty without rendering itself useless. No one wants to eat a dirty pie. No, friends, pie remains on its pedestal, removed, distant, and out of touch.

In fact, at a time when a majority of Americans report feeling uneasy, scared, even angry about the direction our economy is headed, where has pie been? One would think that pie would show some empathy, try to portray itself as understanding of the needs of everyday people. But no, pie was not searching for solutions. Why? Because while people everywhere are suffering, pie has been going to picnics. Not just one; pie makes an appearance at about 20,000 picnics per day. Picnics. Is that how we will solve this economic crisis? I don’t think so.

Pie portrays itself as the best candidate to bring both parties together. Pie preaches a new kind of politics of unification. But pie’s record shows otherwise. A recent smear campaign against pi has proved that pie buys into the old ways of division and partisanship. Said pie spokesperson rice, “Rounding pie incorrectly never caused a satellite to burn up in the atmosphere.” As a followup: did rounding pie correctly ever cause a satellite to be successfully placed into orbit? This bad habit of lashing out shows us what a pie presidency would actually be like.

Pie’s foreign policy experience is nil, its sole case being that it exists in different variations in almost all countries in the world. This brings me to my final, and strongest argument against pie. Sadly all of these points are merely semantics, as I have to point out that pie is in fact not able to hold the office of president according to the U.S. Constitution. Pie, while fulfilling the minimum age requirement of 35 (pie is roughly 900 years old), is not a natural-born citizen. In fact, pie as we know it originated in England. Pie’s repeated attempts, even in light of this information, to campaign for president show a blatant disregard for the Constitution, an unacceptable position for someone who must swear to “uphold and defend” it.

With its history of picnics and self-aggrandizement, is pie really what America needs? Friends, Americans cannot afford pie in these critical times, and that’s why we’re all so ticked off.