10) When asked how thinly you want your cheese sliced, request a gradient.

9) Ask for turkey, then while the deli worker is fetching it, gobble incessantly. As soon as the slicing begins, let out a blood curling scream.

8) If your cold cuts weigh more than you requested, remove the excess from the scale and eat it immediately, before the deli worker can press the button to print the receipt.

7) If your cold cuts weigh less than you requested, clear your throat as loudly as you can. If this doesn’t work, move to direct confrontation and ask, “Do I really look that fat to you?”

6) Talk to a salami behind the glass counter as if you were talking to a baby.

5) Ask for seven pounds, thinly sliced, of the most expensive meat you can find. After the worker has sliced, weighed, and handed you the meat, look at the price, gasp in shock, and say that you no longer want it.

4) When you receive your cold cuts, unwrap them and hurl them as hard as you can against the back wall of the deli. Then attempt to place the same order again.

3) When you receive your cold cuts, unwrap them and drape the slices all over your face. Loudly exclaim, “I am lunch meat monster!” Find a small child and chase him out of the store.

2) Narrate the actions of the deli worker, referring to him or her as Ernesto. Be as precise as you can.

1) Explain that your name is Beef and that you write for a critically acclaimed food blog. Feign the expectation that, in light of this information, you won’t have to pay.