I remember the first time I met pie–quiet, unassuming, relaxing on the windowsill, absorbing the stunning vistas of its humble Midwestern roots, the refection of a poor immigrant family trying to live the dream of this land we call America.  Those were different times. Those were happier times. But friends, they are times which we can return to again. Pie saw your suffering. It saw your anger. And one day, it stood up. Yes friends, it stood up, and it called out for all to hear from the salt flats of Utah to the mountains of New Hampshire with a voice representing the pride and pain of all Americans yearning for something more, “There is another way.” Beyond the politics, the special interests, the glamor, the media, and the Dow, America still exists, and though its crust may be singed, its filling is still pure, and from that filling shall we be made whole once again.

Why do I believe in pie? Because pie believes in me. Some criticize pie for attending the picnics of everyday men and women. I call it being in touch with what truly makes this country great. From the kitchen of its humble immigrant upbringing, to bakeries and homes the world over, pie has seen what we are at our best, and at our worst. And he has one simple message. One simple solution. Stop. Stop the wars, the violence, the bloodshed, the hate, the pollution, the destruction, the selfishness, the greed–all of these things created by humans, hurting other humans every single day. Have some pie instead, and see how much better life can be.

What then? Friends, the beauty is that then, we are left with all the things that make humanity great. Under a united ingenuity and creativity the world over, our bounds are infinite. And on that glorious day, pie can go back to being just pie. Pie can sit on its windowsill and gaze off into the distance of this great land. But it is not this day, and until a time comes when all is right again, pie bears the weight of the world willingly upon its weathered shoulders. I’d have that pie and eat it too any day. Write in pie!

Please click on the link below to understand just why pie cannot be president.

Citizens Against Pie

At times, conscience demands that we defend an unpopular position, so as to stand for what we hold to be right. It is true that 97% of us believe that pie is delicious. This counterpoint is in no way intended to diminish credit where credit is due. Pie is a wonderful food, and it is, without a doubt, delicious.

But to be president requires more than deliciousness. It requires fortitude, strength, a solid understanding of the issues facing Americans, and a broad yet particular knowledge of what America’s role should be in the world. A good president must be willing to get his hands dirty. Pie has no hands, and even if it did, it could not get them dirty without rendering itself useless. No one wants to eat a dirty pie. No, friends, pie remains on its pedestal, removed, distant, and out of touch.

In fact, at a time when a majority of Americans report feeling uneasy, scared, even angry about the direction our economy is headed, where has pie been? One would think that pie would show some empathy, try to portray itself as understanding of the needs of everyday people. But no, pie was not searching for solutions. Why? Because while people everywhere are suffering, pie has been going to picnics. Not just one; pie makes an appearance at about 20,000 picnics per day. Picnics. Is that how we will solve this economic crisis? I don’t think so.

Pie portrays itself as the best candidate to bring both parties together. Pie preaches a new kind of politics of unification. But pie’s record shows otherwise. A recent smear campaign against pi has proved that pie buys into the old ways of division and partisanship. Said pie spokesperson rice, “Rounding pie incorrectly never caused a satellite to burn up in the atmosphere.” As a followup: did rounding pie correctly ever cause a satellite to be successfully placed into orbit? This bad habit of lashing out shows us what a pie presidency would actually be like.

Pie’s foreign policy experience is nil, its sole case being that it exists in different variations in almost all countries in the world. This brings me to my final, and strongest argument against pie. Sadly all of these points are merely semantics, as I have to point out that pie is in fact not able to hold the office of president according to the U.S. Constitution. Pie, while fulfilling the minimum age requirement of 35 (pie is roughly 900 years old), is not a natural-born citizen. In fact, pie as we know it originated in England. Pie’s repeated attempts, even in light of this information, to campaign for president show a blatant disregard for the Constitution, an unacceptable position for someone who must swear to “uphold and defend” it.

With its history of picnics and self-aggrandizement, is pie really what America needs? Friends, Americans cannot afford pie in these critical times, and that’s why we’re all so ticked off.