You’ve seen the headlines. You’ve felt the impact. My friends, the pattern is all too clear, and the time to act is now. The dolphins are invading, are on our doorstep, and pose the greatest threat that America, nay all humanity, has ever encountered.

We are partially to blame for this tragedy. We trained them – the US Navy taught them to detect mines, Sea World taught them to jump through rings of fire. Our two best defenses are useless, and good viewers, the offensive has already begun. They have been disabling undersea transmission lines, severely limiting the bandwidth of a large portion of the world. But not only are they trying to take away our internet, they are trying to take away our freedom. Once the world slips into complete chaos, the dolphins will hit our coastal cities and from there follow the rivers and streams to drive into our heartlands. No waterfront property is safe.

Do not attempt to defend these dolphins, environmentalist traitors. A turncoat would say we have polluted the seas. A communist would argue that we have forced these creatures into demeaning servitude. No, comrades – do not let those who would have us turned to chum to feed their aquatic masters sway your resolve. Dolphins are the enemies of freedom. These so-called mammals have been terrorizing the oceans for millennia, and its time to put an end to it.

Secretly, the government is already planning a full-scale counter-invasion, and we are confident that the other sea creatures will rally around us such that victory will be swift and decisive. Already, the American consumerist machine has joined the cause, pledging to buy more products made of dolphins, but never made by dolphins.

Why does chicken and rice care, you may wonder? My friends, allowing the dolphins to live is tantamount to suicide. So I say, dam the rivers. Poison the streams. Eat the dolphins, before they eat you.