Lact-licous
January 20th, 2008
| Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said that Americans, nay all human beings, had the right to four basic freedoms, arguably the most important of which was freedom from fear. Without a freedom from fear, no other freedom can be guaranteed, as a violation of a basic freedom is in and of itself a true fear.
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| But fear flows deeper than simple basic freedoms. Fear is Hu Jintao buying Toys R Us. Fear is the chickens catching the flu one too many times. Fear is the uneducated masses electing Mike Huckabee in the 2008 Presidential Elections. Fear is what we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
But today, good viewers, we focus on one fear in particular-the fear of dairy. A malady that affects millions, preventing full enjoyment of milkshakes, most desserts, and cheese of any variety, lactose-intolerance is the leading cause of digestional discomfort in America. But friends, no longer must you cower in terror. No longer must you ask if there is milk in the scrambled eggs. No longer must you say no to that free slice of pizza in the hallway. I have seen the heavy cream, my brothers, and I have consumed it without torment. I give you the pill, the one pill, the magic pill — the Lactaid pill.
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How does it work? Simple. Swallow the pill, then eat whatever you want. The pill does the rest. You can enjoy that cheese at the wine and cheese party so you don’t look like an alcoholic, or eat ice cream if you’re depressed, or test your manhood in the gallon-challenge without causing permanent damage. With one pill, you are now free.
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